The Carly Simon's Song Is About Me

Have you ever heard the song by Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"? 

Well, that song is all about me right now! I honestly had never thought of myself as vain. I know I am not beautiful, but figured at least I'm not ugly. I an 5 feet tall and curvy (not in a great way). I get all of that. And I am FULLY AWARE THESE ARE PETTY THINGS!! But this is my documenting and processing blog, so I am doing that and being honest!

I had a few things I have liked about my outward looks, especially in the past few years. I have been proud of my skin. I don't have a lot of scars or marks. I tan nicely. My neck and face skin are especially clear, I never wear make up (other than my eyes, mostly mascara). But the scars from the biopsy and the port are not pretty. They mar up my skin. I either have to hide them, or wear tons of sunscreen (another thing I am not fond of, it feels greasy and heavy).  Also, if I don't cover it up I then will deal with people staring at it and/or asking questions. I am fine with being transparent, but I don't want the petty, emotional looks and phrases that come with it. 

Another thing that I have loved, especially over the past few years, is my hair. I have good hair. It is wavy and thick, but I have a wonderful straightener that makes it smooth and thin feeling. The colors of my hair are fantastic. Browns, yellows, whites, and even a few grays around my ears are awesome! It is long too. I haven't had it this long since my wedding day. There is an 80% chance that I will lose my hair. Then there is a 15% chance that my hair will thin dramatically. You'd think that maybe I can hold onto that last 5% hope, but even those 5% will experience some change; change in texture, color, some unknown thing. Yes, hair is nothing and I may have a lovely shaped scalp. I was bald the first 3 years of my life, I am told, and they say my head shape was good. But that was 45 years ago. 

This might not be vanity, but it is another prideful thing I am dealing with. I don't want help. My husband has been arranging to be home or have Katie be home to babysit me all the time. I hate this. I love his heart and love that he wants to take care of me, but I am independent. I can take care of myself. Unfortunately with the 4 surgeries in 5 weeks so far this year, I have not been 100% able to care for myself. This is SO hard for me. My Papo didn't raise a princess. But princess I will have to be. 

There's probably more of my vain/prideful issues, but the last one I can think of is that I can't take my family on a real vacation this year. Every year (minus 2020/Covid year) Rick and I have taken the family on at least one big vacation. Yes, mostly Disneyland, but we've also done Hawaii, Walt Disney World, Yosemite/Strawberry Hill, San Diego, etc. This year we have no way to plan a vacation. I may be done with chemo in June or it may go through August or even more after that. We just don't know. This year Katie moves into her own home This is our last year with her and I can't plan anything special. This is painful for me. I love vacationing with my kids. They are more open to just have fun with their old, weird mom and I love it! 

Again, I know these are petty. I know this is small stuff compared to all the dangers of the world or even the cancer itself. But these are the issues flowing through my head. I know I have lived a blessed life. I know that every challenge I have faced has brought me nearer to God and furthered my testimony. But while we are in it, we have these human, fleshly thoughts. 

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