Second To Last - Mixed Feelings

 I have two more chemo treatments. It is something my dear husband keeps reminding me. Whats hard? Everything. Yes, I know I am very blessed to have the treatments only lasting 2 months (8 treatments total), but every treatment is harder. I am more exhausted, more emotional, in more pain and more lonely than I have ever been in my life. The thought of one more whole month overwhelming and anxiety driven! 

The other day someone asked me how I am doing. Before this diagnosis I would have just said "I'm fine. How are you?". Now I am aware that I don't have time for fake. I answered honestly, "This sucks. But I'm alive!".  Yes, I am almost done, but it is still not easy! 



I have the blessing of a summer break. A real summer break. I am able to relax, sleep and recover. It's great. Unfortunately that too brings on mixed feelings. It is fantastic to have time to recover and I don't have to worry about deadlines and meetings. However, I don't have deadlines and meetings  to keep my brain occupied. I love my job and my kids and families. They keep me occupied, joyful and creative. But I also know that I need the rest. 

I am also super sad that I won't be at Disney at all this year. I rarely miss a Disney trip in a year. One thing I am doing to fill my extra time and my missing of Disney is reading a book that has been sitting on my shelf for a long time: Dream It! Do It! by Marty Sklar. He was a speech writer for Walt Disney. Many of my favorite Walk quotes came from the pen of Marty Sklar! It's certainly not the same as going to Disneyland, but it's something. 



I have been writing this blog so my kids and family have an idea of what I am thinking and feeling. My biggest thing right now is to tell you that it sucks to have cancer. It sucks to do chemo treatments. There is way more than physical issues; there are so many emotional and spiritual pains involved. HOWEVER!!! God is still good and I know many good things will come from this experience. It is OK to say "THIS SUCKS! I HATE THIS!" It is and it does. Loving God doesn't mean you don't hate what you are going through. Honesty is important. 



 

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