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Chemo To Kill First

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 Today is Day -2 of stem cell transplant. For 6 days before I get my new stem cells they give me high doses of chemo to kill anything (and everything). This should kill all the remnant spots of my lymphoma. However, it also kills my blood counts. That is why they give me good stem cells after.  So for the past 4 days I have been hooked up to a machine getting different kinds of chemo. My particular cocktail has the acronym BEAM.  Day -6 was a drug called Carmustine (BICNU). It was the easiest. It was a one time thing and lasted only a couple of hours. Then I was free to roam the unit or just hang out in my room.  Days -5, -4, -3, and -2 are for Etoposide and cytarabine. I get them every 12 hours. The Etoposide lasts for 2 hours and the cytarabine lasts for 1 hour. I do them at the same time, so it's really just 2 hours of my life twice a day. The challenge is that is it as 10. Morning 10-12 is fine, but night time 10-12 is hard to get a normal sleep. But then again, ...
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Stem Cell Haresting

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 On February 15 and 16 I entered the oncology outpatient clinic at UCSF to harvest stem cells. The process was not near as bad as my mind had made it out. Isn't that typical for me? On Sunday, February 12 I gave myself shots to develop stem cells in my body. I did this by myself. I was oddly proud of my own power to do this thing my brain made so hard! I did those shots each night through the 16th.  On the afternoon of the 15th I also went to get the catheter in my neck. Again, I was so freaked out, but it was smooth. They allowed me to walk into the operating table. I got up on the bed and they did an ultrasound on my left and right side to determine the best placement. Given I already have a single port in my right chest they went to the left side. I laid on my right and they numbed me with lidocaine. Basically the same as at the dentist office. Next thing I know they are pushing and say "great, it's done". Seriously? That was it? Crazy! That night was super hard to...
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Hair Growth

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Let Me Catch You Up

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 It's been a long time since I blogged. It has been seven months of ups and downs, encouraging news and then dashing news. I did manage to take some pictures of my hair growth, but I will post that in a different blog post.  For now, let's get caught up. In January 2022 I was told "it's classic lymphoma, that's the easiest to get rid of. You'll be done by the end of summer." So I followed the plan. I did the chemo. I followed up in July with a PET Scan. And nope... not gone. Vastly reduced, but not gone. So another biopsy was scheduled. The needle biopsy again showed nothing conclusive (I will never do that again) so I was referred to have a surgical biopsy done. This one showed there was enough to not delay in more treatments. But what treatment to do? This became something my local, Santa Cruz, oncology couldn't do.  So in September I was referred to both Stanford University and University of San Francisco (UCSF). Both teams looked at my PET Scans, b...
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MY ROCK!

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I have to stop for a moment and acknowledge the best of the best. I married this man almost 27 years ago. I was cute, healthy and energetic. We have been though kids, job loss, friendship disappointments and everything imaginable. The one thing I never wanted him to go through was me being weak, unproductive and unable to keep up with him. That has come. My cancer has stripped away a lot from me. But it also has taken it's toll on him. He has had to do more cleaning, cooking, pet care, child care, all the while working a full time job and keeping our bills paid. Add onto that he is trying to stay positive and encouraging for me. He is amazing! I am sad he has to go through this, but I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else. My husband is the best of the best. I love him so much. And I like him too.  Thanks, Rick! Hopefully this will be the last few months of horrible and we can enjoy several more decades of fun! 
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I Shaved It Off

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 The past month or so my hair has not just continued to thin, but completely fall out. I was holding on to as much as I could, but I continued to look more like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Finally last night I had enough of it. It was depressing. So I decided to just take it all off. Rick helped me and we shaved my head.  Now I am wondering why I didn't do it earlier. Yes, I miss my hair and can't wait for it to grow back. But I feel less witchy (or a sickly hobbit type) and more feminine.  I have a blood test and PET scan scheduled for next week. If they find my white count up and no cancer in my body I am allowed to go back to my life (shopping, restaurants and more importantly, church)!! I have my prayer warriors praying!  
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My Wish List

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 This week I celebrated my 27th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband. He is always great at taking me on trips or buying me gifts that are just perfect for me. However, this year is so different. 2022 has sucked. I am on chemo and dealing with depression and anxiety. So when he asked what I wanted for my anniversary gift all I could say was "nothing you can give me". Here's my top 10 wish list (in no particular order): 1. To be able to eat at a restaurant. 2. To have a nice glass of wine and feel normal. 3. To plan a vacation this summer. 4. To sit in the sun and no be burned after 5 minutes. 5. To be able to go to church. 6. To go shopping (grocery, clothes, whatever). 7. To be able to sleep normally and not need so many naps. 8. To have hair.  9. To feel pretty instead of like Gollum the Hobbit.  10. To exercise, hike, swim, walk the beach... move without pain and exhaustion.  I have realized that I don't need more things. I am ready to purge and get rid of ...
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