Processing

 I think I have said before that I realize I am prideful. I love my hair. I especially have liked it for the past year and a half. It is long and colorful. I know how to wear it curly, wavy and straight now. I've grown into this hair. The one thing I hoped was since they didn't expect the chemo to last more than a few months that maybe I could keep my hair. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case.  Today I went to take a shower. I combed out my hair and there was a large pile of hair on the counter and floor. That would be bad enough, but then after the shower I found a large pile at the bottom of the tub.  Sadly, when I was combing out my wet hair and another large pile came out. As I sit here typing I rubbed my head and more is falling out. I don't have any big patches of bald spots on my head. That's a good thing, but I am starting to think about what I am going to do when it's all gone. I don't really want to do a wig. The only time I have ever d...

 On March 25th I had Chemo 1.2. The port was more painful, but I forgot the numbing agent until only 45 minutes before. I should do it 90 minutes before. So now I know!  This time I have Nurse Catherine. She is a Disney fan. In fact she is a Magic Key Holder. So we got to have a few great conversations about my happy place. Sad part is I realized I only talk about Disney, my children, and my job. I am not deep! hahaha  This time I had a fast and easy time with each of the medicines. I got out a half hour early and was pretty happy. To kill the time I read my book. I checked my work emails several times and emailed with my partner and some parents and then watched some Hulu.  I did have another weird reaction. Luckily this one happened while I was in the parking lot waiting for Rick. My shoulder (not the port side) had a sharp pain and it traveled down my arm and several of my fingers and thumb went numb. I went right back into the office and asked to see a nurse. The...

 The week I was supposed to get Chemo 1.2 I got my regular blood test and they found that my white blood count was low. This delayed the chemo by a week and I had to have 3 rather painful shots. To say this was a happy moment was NOT happening. I was so angry. I had scheduled out the next 4 months and this messed up my plans.  I am learning that I am not ok with last minute changes. I always thought of myself as a go with the flow person. But this disease is opening my eyes to a lot of my flaws. I like to be in control of my schedule. I like to be the one people can count on. I like to be able to show confidence and competence. But I feel like I am showing weakness and inability. I hate that.  I have kept my illness from many people. Of the ones I have told I have only 2 or 3 who really know what I am feeling. I am very private and self sufficient. This disease has forced me to rethink my stance. It is very challenging to become vulnerable like this. I don't know how to d...

Each round of chemo consists of 2 sessions. So Friday, March 4 was session one of the first round. It was the first time I had my port used. I had no idea what I was walking in for. The lessons were great, but there is still so much unknown about the process.  I had a great main nurse. His name was Ray. He was funny, gentle and patient as I asked questions. However, he wasn't the only nurse. These nurses here are such a strong team. They hear the beeps from the IV or see that you have a question and they come even if you are not their patient. It was such a different experience from when I was in the hospital (nothing against hospital nurses, but I felt I waited for help longer than I'd like because only your own nurse can come). Many of the oncology nurses had had these sweatshirts. It is very Santa Cruz and says Nurses Are Swell. These nurses swell for sure!!! The port was amazing. I was really questioning if I had made the right decision, but let me tell you this was the BES...

 It's been a couple of weeks now, but I want to note two care packages I received when my family found out I had cancer.  The first was from my sister and brother-in-law (BIL). My BIL has been going through chemo recently and sent me some items that has helped him. My sis added her special touches too.  Some of the items were a Le Croix (which I actually had never had before), mints, kind bars, peppermint tea and lip balm. All sugar free, because we are the sugar-free twins. My sister sent more entertainment type items such as  a prayer blanket, bath bombs, lavender sacks, candle, magazines, color book and markers and etc. My great - niece, Prudence, sent me a penguin plush to hug too. It was so thoughtful!  A few days later my mom sent me a silly card/packet with funny doctor jokes and word puzzles and games. It is a fun way to pass the time.  So many people ask how they can help in a practical way. It is so hard to say. Food is tricky because of all our d...

 Warning: This is a venting post.  On Monday morning my husband got a call from a work-basketball friend. He was told that another work-basketball friend is leaving the company and that Monday was the last day they could play together. Rick hasn't played basketball since my diagnosis because he wanted to limit my exposure. But the love of basketball and knowing he had 4 more days until my first treatment drew him in.  He went to play and took great precautions. He wore his knee brace. He chose to not play hard as usual and drive to the basket. He was careful. Still, playing on the blacktop is not good for his body. I got a call about 45 minutes after he left. He told me he fell and doesn't think he can drive. I grabbed my purse and headed to Poly. Once I got there I found out that he heard two pops in his knee when he planted his foot. Then he fell on his elbow. Yep, third basketball related elbow issue.  We went to urgent care and got X-rays of his knee and elbow. T...

Have you ever heard the song by Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"?  Well, that song is all about me right now! I honestly had never thought of myself as vain. I know I am not beautiful, but figured at least I'm not ugly. I an 5 feet tall and curvy (not in a great way). I get all of that. And I am FULLY AWARE THESE ARE PETTY THINGS!! But this is my documenting and processing blog, so I am doing that and being honest! I had a few things I have liked about my outward looks, especially in the past few years. I have been proud of my skin. I don't have a lot of scars or marks. I tan nicely. My neck and face skin are especially clear, I never wear make up (other than my eyes, mostly mascara). But the scars from the biopsy and the port are not pretty. They mar up my skin. I either have to hide them, or wear tons of sunscreen (another thing I am not fond of, it feels greasy and heavy).  Also, if I don't cover it up I then will deal with people staring at it and/or asking q...

On January 27th I had the slice biopsy. They simply cut open above my collar bone and took a slice from the lymph-node that started this whole thing. This hospital surgery situation was easy and smooth. I got checked in and all my IVs going and etc. They wheeled me to the second pre-surgery room where the anesthesiologist who looked just like the oncology doctor in the TV show New Amsterdam. She was beautiful! Then my regular doctor came in and talked to me about how she was going to slice the spot right where there are already wrinkles forming so the scar will be less noticeable. That made me laugh! But it also made me happy because I can honestly say I don't want a noticeable scar on my neck. I was thinking it would be the end of tank tops for me. However, I now see hope in the end. The first picture was the day after surgery. The second one was taken 9 weeks later. Not too bad! On February 11 I was scheduled for two surgeries on the same day, the bone biopsy and port insertion. ...