Processing

 This week I celebrated my 27th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband. He is always great at taking me on trips or buying me gifts that are just perfect for me. However, this year is so different. 2022 has sucked. I am on chemo and dealing with depression and anxiety. So when he asked what I wanted for my anniversary gift all I could say was "nothing you can give me". Here's my top 10 wish list (in no particular order): 1. To be able to eat at a restaurant. 2. To have a nice glass of wine and feel normal. 3. To plan a vacation this summer. 4. To sit in the sun and no be burned after 5 minutes. 5. To be able to go to church. 6. To go shopping (grocery, clothes, whatever). 7. To be able to sleep normally and not need so many naps. 8. To have hair.  9. To feel pretty instead of like Gollum the Hobbit.  10. To exercise, hike, swim, walk the beach... move without pain and exhaustion.  I have realized that I don't need more things. I am ready to purge and get rid of ...

Chemo makes many changes in your body. The two hardest emotionally are the skin changes and hair loss.  They tell you about the hair loss, but nothing can really prepare you for it. I was especially taken by surprise because I had SO MUCH hair to start with. I expected it to thin a little, but my hair is gone, gone. Which brings me to the questions: 1. Do I shave it off now or wait longer? and 2. What is it going to look like when it comes back?                  The thing I wasn't told about is the skin changes. My skin is flaky and sensitive. The color of my skin is changing. I look older. I have never been good at skin care or makeup. I feel ill-equipped. And I feel like I am an embarrassment to my husband and kids. Vain? Absolutely! I like looking young. I want to look like me again. I am curious what will happen when I am off chemo. Will I ever look normal again? 

 I have two more chemo treatments. It is something my dear husband keeps reminding me. Whats hard? Everything. Yes, I know I am very blessed to have the treatments only lasting 2 months (8 treatments total), but every treatment is harder. I am more exhausted, more emotional, in more pain and more lonely than I have ever been in my life. The thought of one more whole month overwhelming and anxiety driven!  The other day someone asked me how I am doing. Before this diagnosis I would have just said "I'm fine. How are you?". Now I am aware that I don't have time for fake. I answered honestly, "This sucks. But I'm alive!".  Yes, I am almost done, but it is still not easy!  I have the blessing of a summer break. A real summer break. I am able to relax, sleep and recover. It's great. Unfortunately that too brings on mixed feelings. It is fantastic to have time to recover and I don't have to worry about deadlines and meetings. However, I don't have d...