Processing

 This week I celebrated my 27th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband. He is always great at taking me on trips or buying me gifts that are just perfect for me. However, this year is so different. 2022 has sucked. I am on chemo and dealing with depression and anxiety. So when he asked what I wanted for my anniversary gift all I could say was "nothing you can give me". Here's my top 10 wish list (in no particular order): 1. To be able to eat at a restaurant. 2. To have a nice glass of wine and feel normal. 3. To plan a vacation this summer. 4. To sit in the sun and no be burned after 5 minutes. 5. To be able to go to church. 6. To go shopping (grocery, clothes, whatever). 7. To be able to sleep normally and not need so many naps. 8. To have hair.  9. To feel pretty instead of like Gollum the Hobbit.  10. To exercise, hike, swim, walk the beach... move without pain and exhaustion.  I have realized that I don't need more things. I am ready to purge and get rid of ...

Chemo makes many changes in your body. The two hardest emotionally are the skin changes and hair loss.  They tell you about the hair loss, but nothing can really prepare you for it. I was especially taken by surprise because I had SO MUCH hair to start with. I expected it to thin a little, but my hair is gone, gone. Which brings me to the questions: 1. Do I shave it off now or wait longer? and 2. What is it going to look like when it comes back?                  The thing I wasn't told about is the skin changes. My skin is flaky and sensitive. The color of my skin is changing. I look older. I have never been good at skin care or makeup. I feel ill-equipped. And I feel like I am an embarrassment to my husband and kids. Vain? Absolutely! I like looking young. I want to look like me again. I am curious what will happen when I am off chemo. Will I ever look normal again? 

 I have two more chemo treatments. It is something my dear husband keeps reminding me. Whats hard? Everything. Yes, I know I am very blessed to have the treatments only lasting 2 months (8 treatments total), but every treatment is harder. I am more exhausted, more emotional, in more pain and more lonely than I have ever been in my life. The thought of one more whole month overwhelming and anxiety driven!  The other day someone asked me how I am doing. Before this diagnosis I would have just said "I'm fine. How are you?". Now I am aware that I don't have time for fake. I answered honestly, "This sucks. But I'm alive!".  Yes, I am almost done, but it is still not easy!  I have the blessing of a summer break. A real summer break. I am able to relax, sleep and recover. It's great. Unfortunately that too brings on mixed feelings. It is fantastic to have time to recover and I don't have to worry about deadlines and meetings. However, I don't have d...

  With each round of chemo I get more and more tired. I was getting concerned that maybe the PET Scan was not accurate. But my nurse explained that chemo is like the battery on the phone. When the phone is brand new it holds a charge for a long time and with each day it holds a little less and less.  With chemo I was able to bounce back and feel normal faster at the beginning. Now that I am on 3.1 (which means #5 visit) I have less bounce back. I have had so many naps the past few weeks. I am fighting headaches more. All of this has caused me to have more anxiousness in my heat.  But I am done with 3.1. I only have 3 more to complete! The next few weeks will be hard, but I will make it. And then I can resupply my battery without the depleting of chemo! 

  I have found a new motto that I am loving! I have made some friends who have also been dealing with cancer. Their cancer is different from mine, but it's still hard. I have also been reading social media more (not much els to do when you're home bound) and am seeing hurting people. They are hurting. I am not worse off than anyone else. I am just different. I am learning compassion through this trial. I hope I can show that to everyone!

 A few weeks ago I got another PET Scan. The results were better than they thought it would be.  The doctor said there were three possible outcomes.  Most improbable (and the one I was hoping for): total healing and no more chemo!  What he hoped: most of the cancer is done and there is only 2 more months of chemo for the remnant. But only 2 more months instead of 4 more! What could be, but least likely: Nothing changed and we need to rethink the level of chemo.  The results? What he hoped! There is very little sign of cancer; just enough to know that we can kill it DEAD with 2 more months. So Chemo 3.1, 3.2, 4.1 and 4.2 are scheduled through to the end of June. I'll have another PET scan in July. And the hope is for a fully clean bill of health by August 1. 

 Each day I lose more and more hair. The more hair I lose the more self conscious I get. My family has reminded me that the thickness of my hair has been a blessing. My hair is super thin, but many women have this normally.   The length of the hair made for quite a mess in my house. The vacuum cleaner took over an hour to detangle my long hair from it. I pulled out long strands from my shower drain that was causing the slow draining water. Since I am not allowed to be around people due to my low white blood count I decided to cut my hair on my own.  Gotta love Youtube tutorials!                                              Unfortunately I have lost a lot more hair since that haircut. I am contemplating cutting again and going much shorter this time. Meanwhile I am wearing a lot of hats. Here's hoping my hair thickens back up after chemo is...