Processing

 

 It's been a long time since I blogged. It has been seven months of ups and downs, encouraging news and then dashing news. I did manage to take some pictures of my hair growth, but I will post that in a different blog post.  For now, let's get caught up. In January 2022 I was told "it's classic lymphoma, that's the easiest to get rid of. You'll be done by the end of summer." So I followed the plan. I did the chemo. I followed up in July with a PET Scan. And nope... not gone. Vastly reduced, but not gone. So another biopsy was scheduled. The needle biopsy again showed nothing conclusive (I will never do that again) so I was referred to have a surgical biopsy done. This one showed there was enough to not delay in more treatments. But what treatment to do? This became something my local, Santa Cruz, oncology couldn't do.  So in September I was referred to both Stanford University and University of San Francisco (UCSF). Both teams looked at my PET Scans, b...

I have to stop for a moment and acknowledge the best of the best. I married this man almost 27 years ago. I was cute, healthy and energetic. We have been though kids, job loss, friendship disappointments and everything imaginable. The one thing I never wanted him to go through was me being weak, unproductive and unable to keep up with him. That has come. My cancer has stripped away a lot from me. But it also has taken it's toll on him. He has had to do more cleaning, cooking, pet care, child care, all the while working a full time job and keeping our bills paid. Add onto that he is trying to stay positive and encouraging for me. He is amazing! I am sad he has to go through this, but I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else. My husband is the best of the best. I love him so much. And I like him too.  Thanks, Rick! Hopefully this will be the last few months of horrible and we can enjoy several more decades of fun! 

 The past month or so my hair has not just continued to thin, but completely fall out. I was holding on to as much as I could, but I continued to look more like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Finally last night I had enough of it. It was depressing. So I decided to just take it all off. Rick helped me and we shaved my head.  Now I am wondering why I didn't do it earlier. Yes, I miss my hair and can't wait for it to grow back. But I feel less witchy (or a sickly hobbit type) and more feminine.  I have a blood test and PET scan scheduled for next week. If they find my white count up and no cancer in my body I am allowed to go back to my life (shopping, restaurants and more importantly, church)!! I have my prayer warriors praying!  

 This week I celebrated my 27th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband. He is always great at taking me on trips or buying me gifts that are just perfect for me. However, this year is so different. 2022 has sucked. I am on chemo and dealing with depression and anxiety. So when he asked what I wanted for my anniversary gift all I could say was "nothing you can give me". Here's my top 10 wish list (in no particular order): 1. To be able to eat at a restaurant. 2. To have a nice glass of wine and feel normal. 3. To plan a vacation this summer. 4. To sit in the sun and no be burned after 5 minutes. 5. To be able to go to church. 6. To go shopping (grocery, clothes, whatever). 7. To be able to sleep normally and not need so many naps. 8. To have hair.  9. To feel pretty instead of like Gollum the Hobbit.  10. To exercise, hike, swim, walk the beach... move without pain and exhaustion.  I have realized that I don't need more things. I am ready to purge and get rid of ...

Chemo makes many changes in your body. The two hardest emotionally are the skin changes and hair loss.  They tell you about the hair loss, but nothing can really prepare you for it. I was especially taken by surprise because I had SO MUCH hair to start with. I expected it to thin a little, but my hair is gone, gone. Which brings me to the questions: 1. Do I shave it off now or wait longer? and 2. What is it going to look like when it comes back?                  The thing I wasn't told about is the skin changes. My skin is flaky and sensitive. The color of my skin is changing. I look older. I have never been good at skin care or makeup. I feel ill-equipped. And I feel like I am an embarrassment to my husband and kids. Vain? Absolutely! I like looking young. I want to look like me again. I am curious what will happen when I am off chemo. Will I ever look normal again? 

 I have two more chemo treatments. It is something my dear husband keeps reminding me. Whats hard? Everything. Yes, I know I am very blessed to have the treatments only lasting 2 months (8 treatments total), but every treatment is harder. I am more exhausted, more emotional, in more pain and more lonely than I have ever been in my life. The thought of one more whole month overwhelming and anxiety driven!  The other day someone asked me how I am doing. Before this diagnosis I would have just said "I'm fine. How are you?". Now I am aware that I don't have time for fake. I answered honestly, "This sucks. But I'm alive!".  Yes, I am almost done, but it is still not easy!  I have the blessing of a summer break. A real summer break. I am able to relax, sleep and recover. It's great. Unfortunately that too brings on mixed feelings. It is fantastic to have time to recover and I don't have to worry about deadlines and meetings. However, I don't have d...